I have a dream!

Boys, I may not make it through this battle alive, but I’m sure as hellfire going to run into it with a head of steam.  It has long been my dream to conquer Quincy Center.  In this small "downtown" area, there are no less than 21 bars.  I intend to drink at each and every one of them today.  As you know, I have been in training for this even for over 9 years and it is finally time to see if I am ready to make the leap to the big leagues.

Nurse Mandy and I are expected to be the die-hards, but there are also up to 12 associates of Brijan who may pop in and out throughout the day.  We’ll be taking photographs (that’s the plan) at each establishment and we’ll be keeping a log of our status at each saloon.

I won’t lie to you, I’m uneasy about this.  Sure, I’ve had a few 21-drink salutes in my day, but never with a defined time pressure that we’re working with here.  I have to go shower like a champ because I intend to be a champ tonight.  I am going to conquer Quincy Center.

Guys, I’m sorry if you can’t be here to partake, but text message me your lucky/favorite number and I’ll dedicate that drink to you, buddy.  Nooch.

Okay, I’m off to begin my journey.  May the force be with us all.

I’m in Hobokistan (a.k.a Hoboken, NJ…a.k.a. the current home of Cap’n Larby and the the greatest place in the world!!!!!!) just for the night and tomorrow. I’m sorry to say that I drove down here in a Dodge Neon…that’s right folks, a White Dodge Neon.Could I BE any more FRUITY? I’ll make my reutrn trip to the bean tomorrow for the Sox game, so that I’ll be ready for my first trip to Fenway of the year. VERY Excited.

Stories are few and far between for today, unfortunately, but if you’re still craving something, check this out:

Tonight…What happened was, I was playing the Cap’n in Tiger Woods (2005-for the PS2) and I straight up passed out in the middle of the game. Wait, no, it wasn’t the middle of the game it was the 18th hole and the Cap’n was challeging. Believe it or not, I actually squeaked in a couple of holes–drifting in and out–before I reached that deep level of unconcsiousness. But then I fell asleep with the controller in my hand so I guess I lost by virtue of the “B!tch A$$” Rule. Man. I’m so lame.

Daubach’s my Daddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a shout out: “Yo Avalon, U dead? U don’t kall nobody no more!”

UPDATE:
Ok, So, let’s clear some things up here. The text above is an entry that I wrote yesterday, and was tampered with by The Cap’n whilst I was in dreamland. So, just to clarify, here’s what’s true and what’s false about the statements above.

TRUE: I was in Hobokistan, home of The Cap’n. And some may argue that it is the greatest place in the world.
TRUE: I did drive down to Hokistan in a Dodge Neon, yes. Fruity? No. It’s a Dodge, and it’s got a Hemi.

TRUE: I did drift in and out of slumber from the 18th hole on, yes. But The Cap’n is just bitter because I was (1) beating him, and (2) because I had already beaten him twice in a row at MVP 2005.

TRUE: I did lose by virtue of the bitch-ass rule.


FALSE: Daubach is not my daddy.
TRUE: Avalon is dead and in fact does not call ANYONE anymore. It’s a damn shame.

1945: United Nations was Founded
1956: The Soviet Union invaded Hungary

1973: The Yom Kippur War came to an end
2004: The last time Curt Schilling stood on the mound at Fenway Park

That was 169 days ago and yet it seems like forever ago. Red Sox nation has basked in the glory of its World Series title and we’re ecstatic to have baseball back in the Fens. Tonight Curt takes the hill against the team every Sox fan loves to hate.

This time there’s no need for a magic boot. There will be no bloody socks. It’s not even necessary to follow silly superstitions about what I can do tonight to help the Red Sox come out on top (not yet at least). It’s just April baseball, and I love every minute of it.

Let’s get Mr. Schilling started off on the right foot, and make his first win of the season one against the Evil Empire. Let’s hope it’s the first of many more to come this year.

Thank you, Curt Schilling, for your heroic efforts last October as we continue to support you through the 2005 season!

* * *
Side Notes: * * *
1. The haircut is worse than I thought.
2. I felt like a werewolf all day yesterday, randomly finding hair in nooks and crannies I never knew I had.
3. One of the Internet’s largest Spyware companies, Claria (Aka Gator, GAIN), just announced that it will provide web analytics data? That has to be the sketchiest thing I’ve ever heard.
4. My Birthday is next month (Hint, Hint)
5. Breaking News: Viagra Ruled Kosher for Passover!
6. Welcome to The Diatribe, Brijan!

There’s bad haircuts — and then there’s Bad Haircuts. This one was the latter, for sure.

Every month I make my pilgrimmage to the “___ barbers” where I get my haircut for a reasonable fee. I don’t go to any stylist, or salon.. this is a straight-up barbershop. The kind that has Playboy and Penthouse as reading material for the patrons to paruse through while waiting for their turn in the chair.

Like most barbershops, this place has 4-5 barbers that are doing their thing. You can request a specific individual or you can go with the “random” method, that I felt was adequate… until today. I think part of the reason that I’ve opted for the random method was that of the 4 barbers, three of them are named Tony, so to try to request an appointment with Tony — it’d just get really confusing.

So, I get there, and they give me to this guy I’ve never seen before. He sits me down, and covers me with the tarp-type-thing. “How do you want it?” He asks. I tell him that I’m just looking for a trim. “You can even take a little off the top, finger length or so,” I added. He then tells me that he won’t cut my hair like that because with fine hair like mine, finger length is not a good measurement, and it’ll be all uneven. [ At this point, I figured he knew what he was talking about. Sounded logical. ]

So he whips out the Razor and JAMS it into the side of my head. Forcing my head back.. and to the left.. back and to the left. I was reliving the JFK movie all over again, as this guy continues to ram the razor (thank G-D for the safety!) into my scalp.

After the initial forced-razoring, he whips out the scissors and invades my personal space one too many times. Personal space, when it comes to getting a haircut, is a lot more restricting than when you’re just standing around talking to someone. Be he got way up in my grill, and was breathing heavily through his mouth. Extremely unpleasant.

So, he’s snipping away.. humming to himself.. muttering things under his breath, when someone mentions this coat they got from this guy that stiffed one of the other barbers. “I’m just holding it, til he pays me the $250 he owes me.” At which point my pseudo-barber starts muttering racial slurs and other stuff under his breath. What am I supposed to say? He’s already nearly killed me with the razor (did I mention I was glad there was a safety?), and he’s holding a pair of scissors now, really close to my jugular.

The entire time he’s been cutting my hair, the tarp has not been close enough to my neck, so there are large clumps of hair between my neck and the tarp (some in my shirt, for sure), that has made moving my head somewhat itchy and unpleasant. He takes off the tarp, only to notice that he’s missed a few spots.. so he continues to trim away, without the tarp on.. GREAT. “Sorry, i just want to make all my customers feel as though I’ve done my best to make them look their best.” Riiiight.

He gives me the mirror and asks me my thoughts. “Great!” I lie. I ask him for a spritz of water (not in so many words), just to shape it a little.. and he gets out the gel.. I manage to stop him just before he opens the top, and tell him I just need some water.. No styling. Nothing complex. He’s baffled. He just starts combing at my head again.. I tell him I just want some water to mess it up a little.. and shape it.. he understands this time, and sprays a pump or two.

I didn’t even get the nice talc powder before finishing up my cut.. what a sham. I get up to leave, and I pay him the $13 for the cut, and $2 for the tip. He tells me “Be sure to come back again!” The entire way back to the office, I’m feeling guilty about not tipping him enough. That’s ok.. I just won’t go back to the guy, I mean.. it can’t be that difficult, I just have to ask for someone other than a Tony, right?

(I never thought I’d reference E! Online, but..) According to a recent gossip column by “Kristin” , Arrested Development may not be facing the chopping block when it comes to a third season.

When I think of all of the dangerous things that anyone can come into contact with on a daily basis, there’s a countless number. Doors, however, are not usually the first item that comes to mind.

On my commute home this evening, I came across this sight, and couldn’t help but photograph it. “Danger! Stay clear of doors.” Interesting – doors on a subway train are dangerous, and you should stay clear of them. It sounds people’s commute could quickly become more difficult, if this trend continues. We already know that a lot of these doors Do Not Recycle, but is it such an epidemic that we really need to stay clear of them now?

Now, when I think of the most dangerous things in the world, here’s what comes to mind:
1. The Ebola Virus
2. Nuclear War
3. You might even be able to put certain political figures into this category.

Here’s what comes to mind when I think of the most dangerous things that you probably want to stay clear of:
1. Poisonous Snakes (They top my list, and perhaps should go in the list above..)
2. Landmines – Definitely not something to try to seek out. You probably want to stay clear of these.
3. Black Widow Spiders – While not deadly, they’re still pretty dangerous

I think I might put doors, somewhere between Drawers and Windows. Neither of which seem particularly dangerous. I’ve even thought of steering clear of any of these items, but.. according to the MTBA perhaps, I sould consider it.