Archive for August, 2005

It’s the little things

August 5th, 2005

It’s funny how the little things in life get us so excited sometimes. For instance, the guy that works at the liquor store on my corner is fantastic. Every time I go in there and pay with my debit card, or credit card he does this thing.. He’s got the pen sitting on the side of the register, and after he swipes my card and bags my purchase, he’ll bring the receipt over, and with a quick motion slide the pen down the counter. The thing is, that the counter has one of those plastic marlboro mats, that is somewhat beaten and has a mild slope to it.. Supposidly, if you slide it just right, the pen will hit the slope in the right direction and will change directions and turn towards the customer — so they need not move to get the pen.

I’ve never seen this happen, it always seems to continue in the straight path on which it started.. The first time I bought something there, he did this and I grabbed the pen immediately — as he expressed sincere discontent that I interrupted his game. Last night I asked him if it ever does curve and go right towards the customer and he told me it happens every few days or so.. “When it does, it makes me happy” he says to me in his Indian/Pakistani accent. And when it happens while I am at the register — I too, will be happy. It’s the little things.

Some People

August 5th, 2005

Every Friday, my office provides bagels for everyone.  I’ve been here for nearly two and a half years and I can count the bagels I’ve eaten on one hand.  They’re just not my thing.  I don’t count carbs, but that’s just a whole lot of bread I can do without.  So, as I’m settling into my workday this morning, I find an email from "Guinnivere," a co-worker.  She asked me to call her to discuss a report, and as our conversation was coming to a merciful end, she asked me if I had had a bagel yet.   I told her I didn’t and she became incredulous.  "WHY!?!  How could you not have a bagel???  They’re so yummy!!!"  I simply told her that I’m just not much into bagels.  She accused me of counting carbs and being a health nut, so I just laughed politely (a skill you must hone in any office atmosphere) and hung up the phone.

Since she and I still had to work on this report together, I emailed her before leaving for lunch.  She replied by addressing me as "Brain or Brian."  What the hell is up with that?   People have been misspelling my name all my life, but never has anyone (who I hardly know, no less) deliberately called me both names.  She might as well call me Josh Groban, kick me in the nuts, and piss in my gas tank while she’s at it.

In a side note, as I was voicing my grief QTF style to my colleagues, I found out that Guinnivere had also lectured my boss about not drinking Gatorade every day because the acid will burn the enamel off her teeth.  Some people…

Office Space

August 4th, 2005

I overheard this conversation between two coworkers this afternoon:

Dino:   "Yeah, so my dog still hasn’t pissed in his crate yet."

Dorito:   "He’s not supposed to…?"

It led to the following email volley with two friends of mine (Hardytrain abstained, however).  These email threads are daily occurrences and they’re all called QTF.  They used to be called WTF for what the fuck, but somewhere along the line that changed to que the fuck.  Anyway, this is why I grind my teeth at night.  


From: Deb
Sent: Thursday, August 04, 2005 3:46 PM
To: Cool Jesus; Hardytrain
Subject: RE: QTF

Am I mistaken, or is p!ss a very vulgar word that is typically not used with people you hardly know.  Dean has been telling me right along every place his dog p1sses – always using that word and opting not to go the more genteel route.  Is it just me?


From: Cool Jesus 
Sent: Thursday, August 04, 2005 3:51 PM
To: Deb; Hardytrain
Subject: RE: QTF
No, it’s not just you.  I try not to use vulgar language at work, with women, or with people I barely know.  So, this little 2-person play was so wrong on 2 levels:
 
1)   Dino is a clueless potty mouth; and
2)   Dorito might think that puppies are supposed to pee in their crates.

From: Deb
Sent: Thursday, August 04, 2005 4:02 PM
To: Cool Jesus; Hardytrain
Subject: RE: QTF

Exactly!

Do You Care?

August 3rd, 2005
My former secretary, Frances, still keeps in touch with me.  God bless her soul, she fills my Hotmail in-box with more cheesy jokes and chain emails than I can keep up with.  When I first started at Company X, she sent them all there until I delicately asked her to redirect them to Hotmail, which is now pretty much a bad joke graveyard.  Frances remembers my birthday every year and she’s a good soul, so I respond to the rare gems she sends me.  As long as I sift through the coal long enough, I can find the diamonds.  I’ll share one with you.  Do you care? 
Do you know this about vodka?

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka.  The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.  The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.  The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days. Strain liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth. Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me . I’ve only been drinking the stuff!!!

Photos Galore

August 2nd, 2005

I happened to stumble upon the latest Flickr Development known as ‘Interestingness.’ Their new explore page (see above link), lets you browse through the most popular photos, that are calculated based on their interestingness factor which includes # of people that have the photo marked as their favorite, # of comments, # of connections, etc. It’s actually pretty amazing, and the photos that are in there are truly awesome.

I’d love to try to get a syndication of that to get it posted on The Diatribe, somehow.. I’m working on that though. In the meantime, enjoy the ‘Ninja Killed my Family’ photo as the latest “Found on the Interweb” photo. In case you don’t know the story of the Ninjas..Check it out.