Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End

I lived the life for four months.  Man, it was sweet.  I walked around in my boxers, cranked up the stereo at 6:30 in the morning, and didn’t have to compromise with anyone.  I’ve now been thrust into a new routine.  It’s been less than 24 hours, but I miss my freedom already.  My two old roommates moved out over the summer and I had primarily had the house to myself for four months.  Sure, Petro moved in in September, but he has his own floor, so I was able to maintain my routine and protect my space.  Last night, a third roommate, Hulk, moved in and the adjustment is going to take me a little while.

I haven’t had to discuss morning shower routines since May or June, but I did just that last night.  As a man, I don’t have a plethora of shower products, but what I do have had been spread across the four corners of my tiny bathroom.  Last night, I had to rein in that apparatus (towel, shampoo, soap dish, et al.) and watch as Hulk’s apparatus appeared before my very eyes. 

Our cozy kitchen has the added feature of a pantry.  Just one more thing on my list to clear out so Hulk will have space for his food and dishware.  Same for the refrigerator, which seems to already be full of Petro’s and my food.  Yet, like it or not, we’ll have to consolidate and make room for Hulk.

Sure, these are small concessions.  I don’t mean to whine about them, but hey, this is The Diatribe, remember?  It would be difficult for anyone to readjust to a new routine after four months of nirvana.  I’m trying to look on the bright side and remember that my rent will decrease, along with my heat, electric, and cable TV bills.  So what if I have to put some clothes on when I balance my checkbook, right?

Now, if he’s sitting in my chair watching my TV when I get home, heaven help me…

Hole-y inappropriate

Turkey day has come and gone, and it was a fabulous trip back to the bean. Rushing out of work on Wednesday to frantically catch the Grayhound bus back up to frigid New England was an adventure of its own. Though we had purchased a regular greyhound ticket, we were put on the ???Mercedes Benz??? of buses (some Yankee Coach Line) that was had all leather interior, great leg room, tray tables and a bingo set in the back. The only thing missing was the in-flight peanuts and beverage service. We already knew that this was not going to be an ordinary bus trip.

Shortly after boarding, the driver informed us we had two great films for the trip, one love story and one horror story. ???A mix of emotions that will seem like a rollercoaster,??? he explained. The first film was ???French Kiss,??? which we had opted to watch ???Scarface??? instead (or at least 2:23 minutes of it, before the laptop died). The second film was the more interesting one.The film was some crazy english film called ???The Hole??? that was roughly the story of 4 kids that skipped easter vacation to spend it in this bunker-type cavern in the middle of the woods. The bunker had full (but grotesque) amenties, that made it livable for several days. Cutting right to the chase, the four manage to lock themselves into this bunker and only one of the girls survives when they are rescued.

The film is the recounting of what happened during that time, that would explain how the others died and trying to prove that the surviving girl did not kill the others. The story itself isn???t really the catch. What???s so amazing is that the film had quite a bit of nudity (including male-frontal nudity) and a lot of blood and violence. It???s surprising that they aired such an ???inappropriate??? film on a bus with kids of all ages. Granted, there was only a few, but still!

This was no ordinary bus ride from the get-go, but we were still amazed at the showing of such a film during the ride. We???re still wondering how to sign up for this same service the next time we travel back up to Boston.

Turkey Lukey-dee, Turkey-Lurkey-dap, I Shoot That Turkey and I Take a Nap

On my drive into work a couple of weeks ago, I saw a dead wild turkey on the side of the road.  It was odd to see such a large bird reduced to roadkill.  That ignomious end usually reserved for small rodents and dumb animals.  However, turkeys are allegedly as dumb as they come.  Nonetheless, it’s not their fault.  I also saw nearly half a dozen dead deer on the side of the highways of Connecticut and New York a couple of weeks ago.  Deer are not dumb animals.  No, it’s our fault.  We’re taking their land and building shopping malls and superhighways on it.  Here’s a piece in the local Canton (Massachusetts) Journal (on townline.com) that would turn Morrissey white hot with animal rights rage, especially when one considers how WE pushed the turkeys out of their natural habitat, WE fed them and trained them to linger in a residential neighborhood, and now WE are killing them.  I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy our turkeys on Thanksgiving.  I’m just saying that we have to stop fucking up the delicate balance between man, beast, and nature.  It’s already too late for many, many species of flora and fauna.  Let’s not wipe them all out, especially considering how WE are the ones most deserving of endangerment.

Three of the Chapman turkeys killed
By Shannon Haley Daggett/ Staff Writer
Friday, November 18, 2005

On Tuesday, a commercial trapper shot three turkeys with arrows after officials called for action due to numerous complaints that the turkeys were threatening human safety in the Chapman Street area.

"I don’t enjoy this, and I hope the rest of the turkeys move on because they don’t see this as a safe area anymore," said Animal Control Officer Ellen Barnett.

Last week, Barnett said two male toms were the aggressors in this group of turkeys, around a dozen or two, and removing these two may take care of the problem. One of the male toms was killed Tuesday, along with another young male and a female who was caught in the crossfire.

The three turkeys were disposed, Barnett said, instead of used for food.

"We don’t know what they’ve been eating, and to be on the safe side" they were disposed, she said.

The turkeys came to the Chapman Street area about a year ago, said Selectman Victor Del Vecchio, who lives on Chapman Street.

"What started as a charming anecdote turned into a public safety issue," he said last week.

Del Vecchio said he favored relocating them but realized that option wasn’t a reality.

According to Jim Cardoza, a wildlife biologist for Massachusetts Division of Wildlife and Fisheries, the two toms were chasing down people on Chapman Street.

"We’re not going to relocate an animal to another area that is aggressive," he said.

The turkeys reportedly never physically harmed a person.

The turkeys claimed the Chapman Street area as their territory because people were feeding them, Barnett said.

"People would sit in traffic and feed the turkeys out of the car window," she said. "If people would have listened and not feed the wildlife, this would not have happened."

Barnett said she loves wildlife and this situation was tough.

"They’re (turkeys) beautiful animals who belong in the woods," she said. "But we’re not leaving too many woods."

ACO hopes remaining turkeys move on.


Newsflash to all English speakers out there:  What you’re trying to say is "other" or "another."  There is no such word as nuther.  It doesn’t fucking exist.  Look it up in any dictionary.  If you find it, let me know.  Until then, drop the nuther (I vomited just typing it) and speak like someone who made it out of second grade.

Newsflash to radio stations that start playing 24/7 Christmas music in mid-November:  You’re all going to hell.  Sorry to be the one to have to tell you, but it’s right there in the Bible.  It’s also in Dante’s Inferno.  Satan is reserving a special (and deep!) circle of hell for you.  So, I hope you feel it’s worth it.  Seriously, can we enjoy Thanksgiving first before moving on to Commercialmas?  Please.  Is this too much to ask.  I am fine with the canon of Thanksgiving tunes being limited to Arlo Guthrie and Adam Sandler.

Newsflash to my co-worker three cubes away:  You’re retarded.  Utterly retarded.  I can hear you on the phone with your boyfriend, your dog, your mommy, and your gynecologist.  Before you have personal phone calls that the entire office can hear, you should probably learn how to pronounce the word "specific."  It sure as hell isn’t pacific.

Newsflash:  The new Yogurt Burst Cheerios are very good.  Cool Jesus loves cold cereal and this cereal earns the Cool Jesus Seal of Approval.

Newsflash to shopping malls:  You suck.  You decorate yourselves in Christmas trim before Halloween and play non-stop Christmas carols from November onward.  All in the name of selling us ridiculously marked up merchandise.  Peace and goodwill toward man?  Yeah right.  Say ‘hi’ to the radio stations on your way to hell.

Newsflash:  This is (American) Thanksgiving week and I want to thank all our readers out there.  Tell your friends.  Oh, and while you’re here, drop us a comment.  I’m thrilled to have readers from all over the world, so please tell us how you found our little site.  Happy Thanksgiving!

What is this RSS thing?

People stop me all the time and say “Hey, LTJ… What is this RSS thing that everyone keeps talking about? You’ve got it on The Diatribe, you mention updating feeds, all this nonsense. What the heck are you talking about?”

I’ve tried to explain a couple times, but, it just never comes out right. Somehow, it always sounds like “Wow, that’s pretty geeky, I’ll pass, thanks.”

Well, finally, I think I found a good explanation of what RSS is, and how to take advantage of it courtesy of one of my newest reading list additions, Paul Stamatiou. It’s the second coming of the Internet, believe me. Get started now, before it’s too late.

Full Moon Friday

Everyone in my office has come to the conclusion that the most recent full moon (11/16) has something to do with why everyone is acting so strange. I’m not going to really elaborate on that, but.. I think that is the only way to explain it. Fortunately, it’s friday, and I can relax. We’ve got a bangin’ birthday bash tomorrow night, and with last night being the Nouveau Beaujolais, we’ll probably indulging in the year’s first french wine. Yum.

Here’s a few things to keep you occupied, while us Diatribers come up with something witty.

Someone is afraid of Chuck Norris, and they made this Chuck Norris Fact Web site. It includes random facts about the acclaimed actor qua martial arts expert (and yes, I used the word Qua. Look it up!), such as:

  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

  • When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Also, I found this interesting site called Frog Review that takes two frogs who review Web sites. This month they review ticketmaster, and explain just how horrible the site really is.

Photos, Paintings and a man from Kazakhstan

After only a few short days, I was able to get all of the wedding pics up on Flickr. Now you’re able to buy prints, as well, for 20 cents. If you see something you like, and want it cropped different or the red eye removed (I did that after I uploaded em), let me know, and I can switch it out. Link.

One of the things that I came across today from Damn Interesting is a mathematical average of playboy playmates from the past ten years. Totally Work safe, so feel free to check it out wherever. Very interesting to see how consistent the shape has been over the past ten years. Link.

And finally today, I’ve got news from our favorite HBO show host, Ali G. Rumor has it, the state of Kazakhstan is suing him for defamation of the nation’s character. For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Ali G. show you’re definitely missing out. How a nation can sue someone for “making fun of it” is beyond me, but.. according to the Kazakh Foreign Ministry Spokesman:

“We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen [the actor that plays Borat] is serving someone’s political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way…”

Riiiight. I’m sure someone put him up to it.

Is there hope to get arrested?

In case you haven’t heard Fox has decided to cut the number of Arrested Development episodes from a full season of 22 episodes down to 13. This means that there’s about 6 or 7 episodes left this season. HOW TERRIBLE. What’s worse, is that there’s a very good chance that it might be cancelled. Period. End of story.

Of all the absolutely TERRIBLE television (Stacked? C’mon), they opt to cancel one of the funniest episodes on television. I’ve been trying to find as much gossip about this as I can, as I’m trying to find out what might be the fate of this wonderful show. According to a post on TV Squad today, Showtime might be interested in picking up the show. This could be very good, and I think it would get a lot of people to sign up for Showtime. (Like I need another cable channel. Sheesh).

Either way, it’s a tragedy, and I’ve been trying to find an appropriate banner ad to put on the site — if it comes down to it — that I can use to link to either a petition or some other informative site. Stay tuned, as I’m sure I’ll bee updating everyone with whatever happens.

The next big thing?

It’s over. It’s over and I’ve had some sort of post-wedding depression (and it wasn’t even my wedding). It’s so bizzare, but everyone was so excited about Captain Larby and Mrs. Larby’s wedding this weekend that now that is has come and gone, I’m somewhat depressed. What’s the next big thing that I have to look forward to? New Years? Not nearly as exciting.

But, the wedding was unbelieveable. I didn’t burst into flames, sitting in the front pew of Father Curly’s Church (and I did learn how to Gyroscope or Gyroflect or something like that). The ceremony was beautiful. The reception was unforgettable, and the Vietnamese Hour was something that I will dream of forever. The combination of dozens of different desserts, pyrotechnics and a chocolate waterfall is something that should tradition in all weddings. We Jews, we’ve got a few things going for us when it comes to weddings &emdash; but I mean, this dessert tradition is awesome. We’ll need to coordinate something like this &emdash; all dairy free, of course &emdash; for my wedding. We’ll see.

It was so great to see everyone this weekend, and I’m glad to see that everyone is doing well. Hopefully I’ll get some pics up sometime this week. I took over 120 pictures (even with my dying camera battery — thank you again, Miss Possible), so it might take some time to get everything up and posted. In any event, congrats again to The Captain and His lovely Bride, and I can’t wait to hear all about their Hawaiin Honeymoon upon their return.


Congratulations must be made for our very own Captain Larby who will take the marital plunge this weekend, to our beloved friend Soon-To-Be-Mrs. Larby (who has a real name, but doens’t have a fun, quirky Diatribe name).

In any event, best wishes to the both of them, and may they be happily married forever after.

Larry & Angela at the Red Sox Parade