Speaking of people budding into your life that shouldn’t be I’ve got two very recent experiences that I just have to share.

First
Why does the boy (and I use that term liberally) working at Hollywood video think that he’s better than me? Does he get paid to do that? Who is he to criticize what I rent. This evening, I went in to pick up something to entertain myself (ie: XBox game). I find Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas and decided to pick it up. I’ve not played a GTA game in quite a while and decided to check it out. After paying for my rental, he places it in a bag and says to me very condescendingly “Enjoy your little Piggy video game.” Who is this guy? I mean, it’s not even the version with the porn cheat.

Second
Why does the five-second rule make everything ok? I was in the grocery store (still reeling after my Hollywood Video incident), and am on my way out of the store when I decide to open my snackbar for the walk home. Just as I open the package, it falls to the ground. I scurry to pick it up, and dust it off. I mean, I just paid $1.50 for this — I’m hungry, I’m sure damn gonna eat it. I look up, and there is someone looking at me with a look of digust. I had to say something to break the tension, so I blurt out “Five-second rule.” He nods, smiles, and says “ahh, ok.. cool.” Somehow Announcing five-second rule made it alright. I wish there was a five-second rule for more things in life.

I can’t say I’ve been one-half of a couple for very many Christmases. I am thrilled to high heaven to be celebrating Noel with Swedish Girl this year. Coupledom has many perks. However, in true Cool Jesus fashion, I’ve stumbled upon one of the negatives of being one-half of a couple at Christmastime: nosy people.

At least 10 people have asked me what I’m getting Swedish Girl for Christmas. What is the deal with these motherfucking busybodies? What difference does it make what the fuck I get her for Christmas? Nobody ever seemed to care what I was getting my mom, my dad, or my sister. Yet everyone just has to know what I’m getting Swedish Girl. Luckily, my esteemed colleagues here at The Diatribe have not posed this question, or this entry would be rather difficult.

I never ask what other couples are getting each other. To me, it’s a personal matter between them and if they want to openly share such details, then the decision is theirs.

My mother has asked me, but I give her a free pass because she’s my mom and because she was looking for ideas for Swedish Girl herself.

Several friends have asked me, but the kicker was the woman who cuts my hair. I barely know this woman. I’ve only been to her twice and I didn’t even like her haircuts, so I may not make it a third time. I make no apologies for feeling this way. Since I share some rather personal things here on a web log, you might be surprised to learn that I am a private person and I guard my privacy closely. Swedish Girl had just been discussing how nosy people are, because her boss asked her what she was getting me for Christmas. And then, just minutes later, the woman who butchers my hair asked me what I was getting Swedish Girl. I almost snapped, but I thought at the time that it was mostly because she took 3 inches off when I asked for a half-inch.

So, if you know what’s good for you, don’t ask Cool Jesus what he’s getting his girlfriend for Christmas. In fact, have some class and refrain from asking anyone this question. It isn’t your business and merely asking makes you look low-class.