My aunt/godmother sent me a Christmas card. It arrived in the mail yesterday, a week after hers was received. Naturally, I am skeptical about whether she would have sent me a card if I had not sent her one, but that is neither here nor there. That is just one of the imperdonerables about which I ponder this time of year.

The real gem of this Christmas card was the envelope. My aunt, who met Swedish Girl earlier this autumn, addressed the card to “Mr. and Mrs. Cool Jesus” (using my real name, of course). Does she know something I don’t know? What if she thinks that we’re really married and never told her? What if she secretly hates me because she thinks I got married without inviting her or even telling her? This is supposed to be the sane side of my family. What if she tells my aunts, uncles, and cousins and they all gang up on me on Christmas? Yet another solid reason to drink freely this Christmas and let the chips fall where they may.

I visited L.A. last week on business. My company is based there and as a result, I have the opportunity to visit the City of Angels from time to time. In case you’ve never been, here is the answer to a few questions:

1.) Yes, EVERYONE is either in the entertainment business or knows someone in the entertainment business. I met a bum yesterday who said he could get me representation.

2.) Yes, EVERYONE drives…EVERYWHERE. New Yorkers might know a thing or two about traffic, but these people plan childbirth around traffic reports.

3.) Yes, In-N-Out Burgers are delicious.

4.) No, Jackie Treehorn doesn’t really exist, and there is no house on the beach where topless beauties are hoisted in the air on makeshift trampolines. As for the Dude, well, I like to think that he’s out there somewhere, bowling to Credence and sipping on his caucasians. Because, you know, that’s how the whole darn myth keeps perpetuating itself. Sometimes there’s a man…

In true Cool Jesus fashion, I am donning my annual winter beard. I would have begun the beard renewal program earlier, but I gladly kept a cleanly shaven visage for the Captain and Mrs. Captain Larby nuptials. In fact, I was in such a regular shaving routine, that I shaved once or twice after the wedding. Still, it’s been over 4 weeks and if you know Cool Jesus, you know that he can cultivate a pretty mean beard in 4 weeks.

In that spirit, I created a “game” that only I knew about, called What’s With the Beard? The rule was that the game would end when one person would ask me, “what’s with the beard?” or some equivalent thereof. I expected this person to be a friend or co-worker of mine. Someone that I could let in on the joke/game and have some fun with. As it turned out, the game ended yesterday when a close friend of Swedish Girl took the game to new heights. She didn’t so much ask “what’s with the beard?” Rather, she exclaimed, “Wow! That’s quite a beard!” I sort of mumbled something like, “yeah, it keeps my face warm in the wintertime, you know.”

She then upped the ante and obliterated What’s With the Beard? by continuing further, “It’s long enough. You should really trim it.” I was, once again, caught off guard and started to mumble, “yeah, well, maybe soon…I don’t know,” but then Swedish Girl came to my rescue and stated for the record that it looks fine and she likes it. Case closed.

So, the beard continues even if the game does not. And if you don’t like it, then let me remind you that my face will be 9.6 degrees warmer than yours, so there!

Can someone please explain to me how earlier this week the temperature was in the teens and trying to get the radiator to turn on was nearly impossible. Meanwhile, at 4:00 AM on a day when it’s 40-50 degrees outside, the Radiator kicks in (in high gear) and has not turned off since.

I know we’re wasting our heat by opening our windows.. but wouldn’t you think it’d make more sense ot have the heat on more consistently when it’s cold outside, versus when it’s actually mild?