Is this the real Axis of Evil?
Archive for April, 2007
Super Duper Powers
April 26th, 2007Grapples?
April 24th, 2007The package reads:
“Pronounced Grape-Els, these tasty treats look like an apple, but taste like a Concord grape.”
Has anyone ever had these? Are they any good? I’m not allowed to buy them because they are ‘genetically modified’ says Miss Possible. What a bummer.
Times must be tough
April 23rd, 2007I remember when ‘The Dollar Store’ concept first came into being when I was a kid. It seemed like such a great concept — tons of crap, all for $1. My sister and I happened to be walking be a ‘dollar store’, where the sign reads ‘Almost Everything for $1.25.’ We were shocked.. what’s become of the Dollar Store, that they needed to raise the prices to $1.25.
Well, the madness doesn’t stop there. Seven days later, Miss Possible and I were going to the grocery store and we walked by the very same ‘Dollar Store.’ This time, the sign read ‘Almost Everything for $1.37.’ What a ridiculous number. We decide to go into the store to see if we can find any cheapo-goodies, and over heard this conversation:
Woman: So how much is this?
Clerk: One Dollar & Thirty-Seven Cents
Woman: Hmm.. And how much is this?
Clerk: One Dollar & Thirty-Seven Cents, nearly everything is $1.37.
Woman: Why? I thought everything was $1.25.
Clerk: That was last week, this week nearly everything is $1.37.
Woman: So… how much is this?
At this point we were no longer within earshot of the conversation, but I’m sure it continued on for some time. I tell ya, you know times are tough when a store needs to mark up its prices nearly an extra 10%. Go figure.
Seven Minute Sopranos
April 22nd, 2007Unless you’re living under a rock, this is the last half of the sixth and final season of the HBO hit show, ‘The Sopranos.’ In my opinion, the show revolutionized television when it began with its cinematography, character development and complicated plotlines. As the show comes to an end, I revel in its success and appreciate the last several shows that I have to enjoy.
I’ve spoken with several co-workers about the show’s conclusion, and everyone agrees that we’re glad to see it go out on top. Shows that drag on too long (coughcoughXFilescoughcough) are often a disappointment to the fanbase. So, if you haven’t yet seen the show, here’s a very well done and extremely accurate 7 minute summary of the first 6 1/2 seasons of The Sopranos. Enjoy.
Keep on going deep, Dougie!
April 19th, 2007Last two games for Doug Mirabelli:
* 4-8
* 2 runs
* 4 RBI
* 2 home runs
Dougie is on pace to demolish his career high in home runs, which should be 10, but those fucks in Toronto cheated him out of #10 at the end of 2004. Clearly, Dougie remembered that last night at SkyDome, Rogers Centre, or whatever they’re calling it this week. Then he went to high-five Manny Ramirez and Manny thought Doug was cocking his arm to punch him, so he hid under the bench for the rest of the inning.
Anyway, as Dougie goes, so go the Red Sox. Doug had a sub-par year in 2006 and the Sox wilted. Doug is on fire this year (as is his boss Tim Wakefield) and the Sox are looking good. Just one question, with Nomar gone, does that leave Coco as Dougie’s de facto urine recepticle?
Manny Being Manny
April 17th, 2007I am thoroughly excited to read the new ‘New Yorker’ article about Manny Ramirez. I need to track it down ASAP. I can’t remember the last time I even picked up a ‘New Yorker,’ but the old rag has my attention now.
I was watching TV earlier and a commercial for Heelies, or some competitor, came on and it struck me that Manny Ramirez seems to me like the type of guy that wears Heelies. I can totally picture him wheeling around The Home Depot, the supermarket, the Red Sox clubhouse, or wherever he goes. I would bet money that Manny owns some Heelies. And it they’re not made in his size, then he plunked down $5,000 to get a pair custom-made.
It would be just fascinating to spend some time with the enigma wrapped in a riddle, infused by madness that is Manny Ramirez. I mean, this is a guy that was selling an autographed grill on eBay for a neighbor. Wha…? Paraphrasing David Ortiz, as quoted in that article, ‘Manny is just a crazy shit. He lives on his own planet.’ I love it. From a sneak preview of the article, I learned that Manny watches The History Channel and wants to visit the Forbidden City in China. No doubt he’d be wheelin’ around on his Heelies hip hoppin’ down the Great Wall of China with his iPod cranked up and his dred locks blowing in the breeze.
When his Washington Heights high school baseball team was chronicled by the ‘New Yorker’ about 16 years ago, the world learned that Manny got up early in the mornings and ran up hills dragging a tire on a rope tied to his waist. We know that he still works very studiously at what he does, with a fierce dedication. However, he’s also a space case. I can’t wait to find out more idiosyncracies about him. Until then, I can only imagine that he sleeps with a teddy bear, watches the Teletubbies, probably speaks fluent Italian, has season tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra, has never written or cashed a check, thinks Curt Schilling is the assistant manager, probably loaned Theo Epstein that infamous gorilla suit, thinks the Green Monster speaks to him between innings, is deathly afraid of Wally the Green Monster mascot, probably calls Mayor Menino from time to time, can’t remember his shoe size, refuses to shower until Doug Mirabelli is out of the shower room, and thinks the show ‘24′ is a reality show.
Manny is the Syd Barrett of baseball. Gifted by God with immense talent, yet fragile and introverted. The miraculous thing is that Manny has been able to stay focused enough to keep doing what God put him here to do. Why, you ask? That’s just Manny being Manny.
The Power of Persuasion
April 16th, 2007Several years ago, when my friend “Vandelay Industries” was still working in my office, we shared a cube wall for a while. I don’t know how we got any work done, because the days were filled with conversations, cracks, and office pranks. One day, I happened to make a comment about Hilary Swank and Vandelay just snapped. He made it clear that he did not find her attractive and could not stand to even hear her name. I had definitely tapped into something and I kept pressing. I would email him pictures of Ms. Swank and gush about how hot she is.
Note: I was not at all enamored with her at the time, but neither did I feel the distaste for her that Vandelay did. I merely felt that she was attractive, but had a overly toothy smile.
Over the last three years, I’ve made it a point to bring up Hilary Swank in conversation with Vandelay. It’s not as fun as it was then, because I can’t see his disgusted reaction in person. However, a couple of weeks ago, we were at a convenience store and I made a point of showing him Swank’s Esquire cover and the spicy pictorial inside. He just looked away.
Here’s the point, and this is an admission to Vandelay: I did not have nearly as high an opinion of Hilary Swank back then as I let on, but it was just too much of a comedy goldmine to let go. So I artificially amped up my love for Swank and it just grossed him out. The funny thing is, I ended up convincing myself that I think she’s mighty attractive (as long as she’s not smiling that giant toothy grin). I wasn’t sure when I would ever let Vandelay in on this gag, but this is as good a time as any. Why? you ask – because he emailed me a Howard Stern Show-induced admission a few days ago. I’ll save him the indignation of the exact quote, but let’s just say he’d have a date with Hilary.
So, the gag is kind of over, which is sad. But I feel that I’ve won a major victory. Happy Belated April Fools’ Day (for 2004-2007), Vandelay!
