The Power of Persuasion
Several years ago, when my friend “Vandelay Industries” was still working in my office, we shared a cube wall for a while. I don’t know how we got any work done, because the days were filled with conversations, cracks, and office pranks. One day, I happened to make a comment about Hilary Swank and Vandelay just snapped. He made it clear that he did not find her attractive and could not stand to even hear her name. I had definitely tapped into something and I kept pressing. I would email him pictures of Ms. Swank and gush about how hot she is.
Note: I was not at all enamored with her at the time, but neither did I feel the distaste for her that Vandelay did. I merely felt that she was attractive, but had a overly toothy smile.
Over the last three years, I’ve made it a point to bring up Hilary Swank in conversation with Vandelay. It’s not as fun as it was then, because I can’t see his disgusted reaction in person. However, a couple of weeks ago, we were at a convenience store and I made a point of showing him Swank’s Esquire cover and the spicy pictorial inside. He just looked away.
Here’s the point, and this is an admission to Vandelay: I did not have nearly as high an opinion of Hilary Swank back then as I let on, but it was just too much of a comedy goldmine to let go. So I artificially amped up my love for Swank and it just grossed him out. The funny thing is, I ended up convincing myself that I think she’s mighty attractive (as long as she’s not smiling that giant toothy grin). I wasn’t sure when I would ever let Vandelay in on this gag, but this is as good a time as any. Why? you ask - because he emailed me a Howard Stern Show-induced admission a few days ago. I’ll save him the indignation of the exact quote, but let’s just say he’d have a date with Hilary.
So, the gag is kind of over, which is sad. But I feel that I’ve won a major victory. Happy Belated April Fools’ Day (for 2004-2007), Vandelay!
ltj
How can you say this is not sexy?? I don’t get it.
April 16th, 2007 at 11:46 pmVandelay Industries
Wow, Ashton Kutcher, wow. You got me. I am almost in shock, but not totally because I knew there was no way a real man could be THAT attracted to Hilary Skank.
I do admire how you carried this for a long time, years in fact. That, my son, is impressive. I guess I am kind of happy and relieved to know that you are not that ‘in love’ with Hilary. I’m actually happy. Happy for you, and happy for me.
I wish 2 things - I wish we can trace this back to its origins. I know where it started, but how did it exactly start? I am sure we can get a clearer picture of this. And 2, I wish you never did this to me. You got me, and I will always look for a way to get you back, always. We’ll be friends, at a minimum, until I get you back…whether is a telegram delivered by Stewey, or a “Menu” delivered by 3.9, I am forced to get you back… But even with that said, well done. Well done, elderly sir, well done.
One last question… with all this Skank thing a hoax, I have one more question for you:
Do you like Beck?
April 16th, 2007 at 11:58 pmMrs. Larby
What is it with you guys and your distaste of the toothy grins of the likes of Julia Roberts, Hillary Swank, Kyra Sedwick, ect??? Seriously, it is a common thing among many of the men that I have met. Are you guys afraid they are going to bite your peckers off with their brilliant teeth? I am very curious about this actually. What exactly is it about this toothy grins that men find so distasteful?
April 17th, 2007 at 8:14 amltj
Woah.
April 17th, 2007 at 10:26 amCool Jesus
Vandelay, you’ve been Jesus’d. Word. I, too, don’t even remember the origins of this. This hoax pre-dated ‘Million Dollar Baby,’ and came well after ‘Insomnia.’ And since her movies in between were forgettable, it was either Swank’s appearance at an awards show, a saucy magazine cover, or purely a random mention by you, me, DD, or Niner.
LTJ, does this mean you’re not on board with my self-persuaded opinion that Hilary is, in fact, a looker?
Mrs. Larby, for the record, I have always been a big fan of Kyra Sedgwick. I wouldn’t put her in the “Horsetooth Club.” As for Julia Roberts, I used to dig her until Captain Larby ended up changing my opinion. After a few years of knowing him, his intense distaste for her seeped into my membranes. I don’t know what our reasons are for not digging big toothy grins, but be thankful we don’t because I’d wager that the guys that go for ladies of the “Horsetooth Club” also like watching horse & donkey sex shows in Tijuana.
April 17th, 2007 at 8:17 pm