The Diatribe * net

First off, congratulations to LTJ and Miss Possible on tying the knot yesterday.  A great time was had by all.  The weather cooperated for the most part and everything went off without a hitch.  I could go on at length about just how great everything was planned, but what I have to fill you in on is my 4am walk back to my hotel.  Due to some pre-planning mishaps, Swedish Girl and I ended up at a different hotel than the rest of the wedding party.  It would have been fine, except for the fact that it was across the street, beset by highway on-ramps and off-ramps on all sides, and devoid of sidewalks.

After the reception, Swedish Girl was all partied out, so we got her some quick food and she dropped me off at the wedding group’s hotel.  I knew that getting back to our hotel wasn’t going to be a breeze, but I figured I’d worry about that problem after a handful of beers.  I definitely did not regret the first half of the decision, as the beers were cold and we all laughed our asses off for a couple of hours.  When I checked the time, I was shocked to see that it was 4am already.  Swedish Girl had called me almost three hours earlier to find out when I’d be back and I had assured her then that it wouldn’t be long.

It was at this point that I probably would have been better served to just stay another 60 or 90 minutes until daybreak.  The walk back to my hotel was one of the most harrowing experiences I’ve ever been foolish enough to do.  It doesn’t compare to The Big Dig Story (to be included in my upcoming book), but it’s up there.  The distance was under a mile, but it was so dark and foggy that I thought for sure I was a sitting duck for oncoming cars.  The speed limit on that road was upwards of 40 to 45 MPH and I thanked the heavens above that only two or three cars passed me.  Close to half my walk was on the shoulder of the road and I soon realized one huge mistake.  I was still wearing a black tuxedo. 

Not great attire in fog so thick that I was swimming through it.  I considered holding my cell phone over my head as a beacon in the night, but didn’t want to kill the battery.  That’s when a decent idea came to mind - I removed my tuxedo jacket so that the bright white back of my vest would be seen in people’s headlights.  The whole walk was probably no more than 10 or 15 minutes, but felt like an hour.  I was so relieved to be back at the hotel that it felt like home sweet home.  And as Captain Larby mentioned in his best man speech, these types of things are par for the course when LTJ is involved.