They say New York is the city of cities, too small to be a country, too large to be a town. The city of possibilities. The city of everything. The city of right angles and tough, damaged people. The city of wakeful dreaming, fortunate accidents, random meetings and sudden engagements. New York is the city of the 20th century.

I have to admit that I haven’t experienced much of this yet. But alas, this is the world according to Google and so NYC according to The Muse Hotel, Amazon, New York Safety and Survival Guide, Lyrics007, the Michigan Land Use Institute, all and all a motley crue (fine, it’s really crew, but I can’t help one 80s reference in this entry).

Of course, what I have experienced is that New York is the city of smokers, and more specifically walking smokers.

LTJ and I were recently discussing this phenomenon. No where have I seen more people walking and smoking than in NYC. They are everywhere at all times of day, but most annoyingly on the way into work.

My morning pace could be described as just one notch below running. I weave through the jammed sidewalks and subway stations like a race car driver on the edge, willing to do anything to reach the finish line first. People who think they are walking fast in the tunnel between Port Authority and Times Sq drop their jaw in disbelief when I breeze past them on the left quickly darting into the oncoming melee to slide back into my lane just in time to avoid a head on collison. No joke.

There is a fine art to the New York commute and most mornings I am on my game. There are only a few things that can gum up the works:

1) People parked in the fast lane: Yes, New York is full of tourists and none of them seem to realize that the left lane is the fast lane and if you are either slow or stopped you better get in the right OR ELSE. This rule applies to escalators, subway tunnels and sidewalks.

2) People with broken tail lights who pull the e-brake: Do not stop immediately after a turnstile, escalator, subway door, or subway platform. Not only is this extremely frustrating, it can also lead to serious accidents. Wake up people!

3) Inconsiderate riders who enter the train while people are still exiting: This is also very dangerous. In fact, one time the subway doors closed on me while I was trying to exit because people pushed me in while entering. I had to force the doors open to escape and it left black marks on me. NYC subway waits for no one!

4) Walking smokers: As I previously mentioned, I walk as fast as possible to work. One of the worst things is getting stuck behind a smoker. Not only am I breathing in lungfuls of air, they are full of smoke. I’m seriously starting to think that banning smoking from the streets wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

Gosh, why do I always write about commuting? Anyone?

Brandon and I went to see Willy Wonka a few weeks ago, in Times Square at the AMC 25, hands down best movie theater ever. It’s got great roomy seating where the seats really lean back. It’s stories and stories high. And you can go outside onto balconies that overlook Times Sq. Atomsphere, digital, surround sound, roomy. Nuff said.

How cool is it that we can hop on a bus right outside our house and be in Times Sq in 15 minutes?

Across the street from the AMC is a Loews. Next door is Madame Toussaud’s wax museum. And a million flashing lights and huge ad screens and people and noise and sheer crazy mayhem. Lots of tourists too, all of us.

On to Johnny. I’ve always loved him. His work. His personality. His looks. He appeals to me on so many levels from the types of roles he plays, always on the fringe or edge. But he just continues to impress.

Sure I can’t compare this Willy Wonka to the original. I mean I’m not 10 anymore. The first Wonka came out in 1971. I was born in ’78. Does that mean I grew up with Charlie and the amazing chocolate factory? Certainly. As far back as I can remember it was one of my favorite movies, and it has remained so. I’ve seen it countless times. That and the Goonies. We made my mom rent it every week. I’ll never know why she didn’t just buy it as she spent a small fortune renting that movie. Every Friday, we would go to the movie store and we could get anything. Week after week, we chose the Goonies. We were addicted. It was our time down here with the truffle shuffle.

So I don’t think you can really compare the two, and honestly they please in ways that the other fails so its all good.

Veruca Salt’s extreme brattiness was so fresh in the original. Who ever heard of a schnozberry? Perfect. I love when they lick the wall and its candy. I also love the 3-course meal scene. Violet you’re turning Violet.

The special effects in the new one add a new level of coolness. And I think the creep in Depp’s Wonka works well. But who can beat Gene Wilder’s singsong Wonka? Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world? There’s nothing to it…

Any Tim Burton movie will be visually stunning. Eye candy. And I think Depp fits with that, with his chameleon abilities.

The audience seemed to like Burton’s take on the Oompa Loompahs. Personally, I was a bit disappointed. To much spoof for the laughs, for my tastes. Kinda chintzy.

But there were some nice touches. Like when all the kids leave the factory and they’re irrevocably, magically changed.

What continues to impress me about Johnny Depp is the range of his roles and how he always morphs himself to the role. Certainly, I picked up various elements of his former selves in Wonka, a little Scissorhands, a bit Hunter S.

Every time I see him, it’s in a movie I enjoy. Edward Scissorhands. Fear and Loathing. Chocolat. Cry Baby (don’t laugh). Benny and Joon. Sleepy Hollow. Blow. From Hell. Pirates. Finding Neverland, which I just saw and was so touching. I look forward for more to come.

I know. I know. You’re gonna say what Brandon said last night when I got home at 1 a.m, “You’ve really got to stop doing that.” That being the fact I ended up in the inferno of the wrong subway station on the wrong island in – you guessed it – Brooklyn.

How I got there’s not really important. Just take an unmarked train at 11 p.m. in Soho and you’ll find yourself expressed off to somewhere far, far away. I had just wanted to get one stop closer to WTC and therefore the PATH to Hoboken. Instead, I got a ride over the Brooklyn Bridge and then it passed quite a few stops over there before finally stopping.

Thankfully, I wasn’t the only unlucky traveler to find themselves expressed off to Brooklyn. My two trusty companions helped ease the pain of the sweltering heat, which was severely dampering my evening’s buzz. Or at least my head was starting to buzz in the heat.

The dark-haired woman from Texas first said to me they worked in “Immigration”, for the government… for Homeland Security she whispered. The gov’t has brought lots of out-of-state employees in to help New York agencies catch up, as they’re 5 years behind. How nice. They’re helping them catch up on paperwork.

The gov’t pays their regular salaries, plus all living expensives — with maid service to boot. And plenty of opportunity for overtime, paid overtime. Where do I sign up?

I found it somehow reassuring that Homeland Security was lost with me in the NYC subway system. Don’t you?

I learn something new here everyday. Last night I learned to just take a cab to the PATH. It’s cheap and it would have saved me 90 minutes of my life. And if you thought that a NYC subway station is hotter than hell, you should try waiting for the PATH train at 9th St. 120 ° of hot, heavy heat. When the wind blows down the tunnel, you feel how it is to be roasted in an oven.

Last Friday, LTJ met me after work and we had our first explorations of Manhattan in the Soho area. We putzed around and stumbled onto a major Harry Potter event outside of the Scholastic store. People were lined up to get into this fenced off area, where they had all kinds of wizard shops from the books. Street performers were eating fire and juggling and performing other magical tricks. They even had Moaning Myrtle in the porta potties. Her voice was wailing from some hidden loudspeakers and emissions of smoke were coming from there. Pretty clever.

Anyways, that’s not really the point of this post. Though, it does illustrate how you can find just about anything in NYC.

As we were walking toward Tribeca in Soho, we passed an Irish bar that had the Sox-Yankees game on. As LTJ drooled through the window, I suggested we step inside for some beers. While throwing back a few Guinness (resplendent with shamrocks in the foam head courtesy of our excellent bartendress), 3 guys walked in and asked what was happening with the game. The Sox were shaming the Yankees and had just scored another run, which is pretty much what LTJ said.

In a mocking tone, one of the guys — who happened to look like A-Rod’s brother though I didn’t tell him as much — said, “Oh, what are you Mets fans?” LTJ didn’t miss a beat: “No, we’re Red Sox fans and it looks like you’re getting spanked right now.”

Ok. That isn’t a direct quote. But to those guys whatever he said translated into that. The pseudo-friendly banter continued with the Yankees fans trying to hurt our feelings. “Well, it only took you 86 years to win the World Series.” Blah. Blah. We threw some quips back their way.

I whispered to LTJ to be careful. I didn’t want him getting jumped. He was like, “But you got my back, right?” Har. Har.

Besides my concerns, it really was pretty harmless. We left there and found this odd place called The Garage in Tribeca. It reminds me of some Boston bars, but much worse. Like a cross between Waterworks in Marina Bay and a post-college frat boys bar. Let’s put it this way, they have Beer Pong tournaments on Wednesday nights. Highlights: huge projection screen of the game, free bud bottles at the night’s end. It didn’t even feel like being in Manhattan. Where most places are posh, with everyone wearing black, drinking martinis, etc., this place was all about cheap pitchers and evener cheaper men gazing over the slim female pickings. However, despite my initial reservations, the food was excellent.

The Sox continued to spank the Yanks, royally. Toward the end of the game, there were a few particularly delicious plays and even I was getting riled up, laughing and clapping and cheering on the Sox.

A group at the next table were hanging out, chatting. To be honest, it didn’t even seem like they were paying attention to the game. And when I shouted in glee at the last out, this one girl (not even facing the screen, mind you) says “What, do you think that’s funny?” in a very provoking, accusatory tone.

Me: “Yeah, actually I think its verrrry funny.”

Biatch: “What, YOU don’t like the Yankees?”

[ geez, is it really that shocking? ]

Me: “Ha. No, we don’t like the Yankees around here.”

At this point, I really had to turn away as I was confident this was leading no where good, and that soon LTJ would need to have my back.

We paid our bill after waiting for the slowest waitress ever, and I really had to go to the bathroom. Earlier, that girl had left the table, and I had a feeling she was in the bathroom. I headed up to the restroom and immediately knew that I was in the stall next to her. I was taking awhile. And she was taking even longer.

Suddenly, her friend pokes her head in because I can hear her asking, “Hey so and so are you all right in there?”

Biatch: “Yeah, I’m good.” [ not knowing I'm in the stall right next to her. ]

Friend: “Well, my cousin’s gonna wait for you right outside.”

Me: Silently chuckling.

I exit the stall before Biatch, slowly wash my hands and leave the bathroom walking past said cousin and smirking at him.

Ha. Ha. So funny. They obviously thought I was beating the girl up in the bathroom or something.

Two things that annoyed me about this:

1) Once again, I get singled out to be harassed even though LTJ was being much more provoking to Yankees fans [losers] all night long. I think his saving grace was he wasn’t wearing his Sox hat.

2) Are Yankees fans really that fucking arrogant that they are literally shocked — no dumbfounded — when they encounter someone in NYC who isn’t a fan of their team? Or are they just that stupid? I mean come on. It’s probably one of the most hateable teams in all of baseball. Biatch!

To be fair, I think some people in Boston act the same way when they see a Yankees fan. In fact, I can distinctly recall a certain someone ripping a “Red Sox sucks” sign off the back of a Yankees fan. But there were extenuating circumstances in that case. It was right after the devastating game 7 ALCS loss in 2003. There was also a lot of alcohol involved. I can’t be held accountable.

Anyways, I no longer live in Boston. I can pretend that I don’t know the reverse holds true.

All I know is now we are Sox fans living in the belly of the beast.

LTJ absolutely despises shopping for apartment stuff. I can’t really blame him. It’s not exactly a guy thing to do, poking around stores looking at lamp shades, pillows, window treatments, and decorative accents. And I don’t exactly like going all the way to the mall by myself. Don’t get me wrong though. He’s been a trooper. I dragged him out a half a dozen times and he only whined about every 5 minutes… uh, I mean every 5 seconds.

Anyways, our options are fairly limited. There’s a mall in Jersey City, but the Sears and J.C. Penneys are severely lacking. We did shop the heck out of the Bed Bath and Beyond. But there’s only so many times you can go to the same store, before you’ve bought everything you could possibly ever want to buy there.

We still needed several key items: a trash can, front door mat, bathroom rug, lamp shade, salt and pepper shaker, etc. Thus began my massive foray into online shopping. I shopped for hours and hours online looking for the perfect feng shui things. One night I was up until 4 a.m. I went to Amazon, Froogle, Crate and Barrel, Pier One, you name it. I ordered from a bunch of places and over the past weeks the boxes have been trickling in — all and all probably about 10-12 boxes.

Let’s just say that this foray did not go over so well. I’d say I have a 50% return rate, which frankly is just a huge pain in the ass.

Box #1 to return: Lucky Frog Fountain

So I ordered a fountain with a frog on it. I bet you’re thinking I returned it because it was cheesy and ugly. But no, it was actually quite nice. The only issue was it was chipped and broken when I received it. I’ll have to re-order. Frogs bring wealth and prosperity in feng shui.

Box #2 to return: 2-bin Recycling Can

Our current kitchen trash can comes from LTJ’s old room in Somerville. It’s pretty small and fills up quick.

I was really excited about the trash can I found online from Overstock.com: a two bin trash can, so you can use one bucket for recycling and the other for trash. You step on a lever to open it. It’s chrome. It looked like the perfect solution to our garbage disposal needs.

When the box arrived, we knew we were in trouble: the box was incredibly small. The can turned out to be even smaller than our current one. I went back to Overstock only to realize that the measurements were listed in centimeters not inches. So when I used the measuring tape to figure out how big it would be, it seemed a lot bigger than it really was. Those tricky bastards!

Box #3 to return: Salt and Pepper Shakers

I found these beautiful salt and pepper shakers on Target. When the box came, it was rather large. When I opened it, we almost died laughing. Where the trash can was too small, these were fricken gi-normous. I’ve never seen such large shakers in my life. I didn’t look at the measurements when I ordered, but going back now, they are listed as 8-1/2″. Who the hell needs foot-long shakers? I mean seriously! Back to the store they go.

Box #4 to return: Double 8 Couple Sculpture

Now I know you’re already laughing at me, but let me explain. In feng shui, the number 8 is a very positive number and in your relationships corner it is a good idea to have pairs of things, ie. like a couple standing together. If you are single and can’t seem to find a partner, you might want to check if you have single items throughout your room rather than paired items, especially in your relationships corner. For instance, you have a picture of a lone tree, or a single statue. If you just get a picture of two trees or two statues, according to feng shui, this will promote relationships within your life.

The idea was good. I mean look at it. Doesn’t it look serene and whole? But the actual statue when it came looked chintzy. It didn’t look as nice as the picture online. But now looking at the picture again, maybe I was just up too late and my eyes were bleary. Back to the store with you!

Box #5 to return: Blue Lampshade

When we first moved here, we made this amazing tag sale find: a unique lamp that fits with the colors in our living room perfect. The price: free (we went back post tag sale and it was on the curb for the trash man. We grabbed it).

The only problem with the lamp is a shade that’s too small. I found one that I thought would be bigger online, but alas I read the measurements backwards and it turned out to be smaller. Though, it did help us to realize that if we get a smaller harp for the lamp, then we’ll probably be ok with what we’ve got. So something positive came out of another return!

Moral of the story: When shopping online, pay careful attention to measurements, especially units.

Maybe online shopping isn’t the answer to all my woes. It just didn’t turn out to be the miracle solution to finishing this apartment. Oh well. What’s next? A trip to Walmart?

In my head I picture some punks gleeful over their latest destructive escapade. I am taken back to the Beavis and Butthead era. “Whoa, cool. You blew stuff up huh huh. Do it again.” But this isn’t some kids blowing up bugs with firecrackers. It’s NASA.

Now I know large numbers — ludricous numbers — aren’t supposed to faze us anymore. I mean, think of the Iraq war cost, but $333 million does seem like a lot of moolah that could go to other more pertinent issues affecting mankind.

And I quote: ???I can???t believe they???re paying us to have this much fun,??? exclaimed Don Yeomans, a Deep Impact mission co-investigator for JPL. ???The impact was bigger than what I expected.”

Yes, yes. Blasting a very large probe into an even larger hurling rock is very important. I agree. In fact, I think I had fun with similar experiments as a child. And one in particular, that I fondly remember, is the wonderful ripple effect of skipping a rock on the surface of a pond . . .

I feel similarly about the nature of the universe. Especially when speaking on such large scales, at such ludricous speeds. All in the name of science. Couldn’t leave well enough alone.

I quote: “It???s clear that the ejecta was still coming out, at least after the [impact] event.” Certainly.

And anyways, I’m not the only one harping on the subject. This rant is particularly interesting because 1) It’s an intelligent analysis of the issue and 2) The name of the blog is Fantastic Planet, one of the best movies ever [Good, weird scifi. And even better we can learn a thing or two from the Traags whose science experiment with those peskies bipeds from Terra went horribly awry].