I’ve been a stranger around these parts and I have to thank Cool Jesus for keeping the vibe alive while I was missing from The Diatribe. Some of the greatest news that I wanted to write about today was today’s announcement on the Official Google Blog about their new cookie policy. This may seem like nothing to you — but it means the world to me. So, like I said — it’s what I wanted to write about, but instead, I would like to talk briefly about the film I saw last night — Crank starring Jason Statham.

I’ve never really though of him as a great actor. He’s been in plenty of supporting roles, but for some reason he makes me think of d-list action films for some reason. Crank was no different — or was it. At first, I was thinking the movie was going to be completely cheesy and terrible but it got worse. So much worse.

It got so bad, that I realized that it couldn’t possibly have been done intentionally. The scenes were so ridiculous that I couldn’t believe my eyes — each action sequence was more unbelievable than the one before.

The premise of the film was about a hitman named Chev Chelios, was poisoned after taking out a mob boss. He has only an hour to live — but he soon finds out that adreneline helps prolong his life. So he must do everything he can to keep his adrenaline flowing in order to keep his heart beating.

The adventures and things he must do go so far over the top that I can’t even describe them here on the diatribe. As it is, I’m still having a hard time trying to decide whether my favorite part of the film was the scene in the hospital, “Juice Me!” or the antics with his girlfriend in the plaza. Either way, it’s so stupid it’s laugh out loud funny.

If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it. It’s a good watch — if you’re in the mood for a “it’s so ridiculously stupid it’s funny action film.” What I don’t quite understand is how Statham is starring in the sequel — but I’ll let the writers figure that one out ;)